When Your Best Friend Dies by Suicide: How Will I Ever Be A Person Again?

With September approaching as Suicide Awareness Month and the 7 year anniversary of losing my best friend to suicide, what else was there to talk about really? 

Grief is such a beast. Truly. I cannot say it enough. Lack of sleep, nightmares, depression, tearfulness, appetite changes, anger, cognitive difficulties, the list is really rude and endless. I make sure to break down the difference between normative and complicated grief with all my peeps to help us understand some of these debilitating symptoms.

Different Types of Grief

Normative grief is a grief that makes sense. Nana was 90 years old and passed in her sleep peacefully in her home where she was surrounded by people that she loved. Her loved ones were able to have the conversations they wanted to have, felt her death was a good death, and will work towards acceptance of her loss. Normative grief does not mean that grievers will be exempt from great pain and sadness, but they will likely navigate through their grief fluidly. The grief will find its place in their lives and they will be able to get back to the task of living at a more predictable pace ~around~ a year.

Complicated grief is a grief that is nonsensical in some way. The death was traumatic, the person was too young, my person was suffering for a long time before their death, the relationship was complex, my culture rejects the way my person died, etc. Complicated grief is more likely to influence things like the timeline of grief, struggles with identity post-loss, feelings of numbness, and ability to maintain close relationships.

When someone is wrestling with complicated grief, I let them know that they are not actually losing their shit. I promise. You are trekking terrain that you have never experienced and searching for answers that you may never find. It is incredibly disorienting. Suicide by definition will complicate the griever’s experience because the loss may be violent, is often unexpected, and may be “shunned” in their community.

So How Do I 'People' Again?

Let’s be real. It is about to get real weird. Things are going to feel different. Dr. Brené Brown uses the term “FFT” to stand for a Fucking First Time. You are about to have a bunch of FFT’s. First time back to work, first time talking about the loss, first time mentioning your person in the past tense, first time someone says something ignorant about your loss. As best as you can, embrace the fact this season of life will be wonky and uncomfortable. 

Drink Water

While grieving, get used to the fact that you can’t control much. I am so deeply sorry. We need to invest our attention towards one thing that you can directly control which is nurturing your physical body as much as possible. 

Keep your water bottle full, set an alarm every hour to take a sip even though you haven’t noticed hunger or thirst cues in days, keep a box of protein bars next to the bed when for when you get stuck. Moral of the story: do what you can and help future you as much as possible. Building coping boxes that include tactile activities (fidgets, coloring books, crotchet), snacks, self care items, necessary medications, and sensory tools (essential oils, ice packs, sour candies) are clutch. 

Find a Kind Voice

THE Mommom.

If you are like me in the early stages of complicated grief, you likely won’t be preforming up to your expectations. Ideally, you will be surrounded by supportive and caring people whom are eager to pour love into you. More realistically, you are surrounded by other grievers who are spent. It is VERY important that you find someone who can echo messages of strength, love and peace to you. That may be your best friend, parent, partner, nail tech, pastor, or therapist. 

If you don’t have a kind voice IRL, try closing your eyes and imaging who you need. My mental image of a kind voice is the memory of my Mommom. She was warm, honest, and loving. Try to connect with the sensations that kind voice brings up inside of you. I notice a feeling of openness in my chest, an urge to smile on my face, and what can be described as a comforting hug around my back and shoulders. If you don’t have a 'Mommom', connecting with fictional characters, celebrity, or meaningful object can be just as impactful. If this exercise is challenging for you, an EMDR resourcing session may be helpful!

Orient yourself towards purpose

We as humans are meaning making creatures. We thrive when we have some sort of ‘north star’ to orient ourselves towards. Many of the people that I work with have found purpose in their careers, families, faith, communities, or beautiful combination of all of the above. The purpose that you orient yourself towards doesn’t really matter as long as it serves you and your value system. 

You can start by investing your effort into habits that improve overall mood like going outside a few times a day, consistent movement, consistent socialization, and self care activities like sleep and health hygiene. I know, these habits may be boring and unsexy. However, when practiced longterm they build a foundation that a big, beautiful life honoring the significance of your grief can rest upon. 

Find those with similar lived experiences

The most dangerous parts of complicated grief are the intense feelings of loneliness and isolation. Connecting with people who have walked similar paths can feel restorative even if words aren’t spoken. I started my process in traumatic grief by staying connected with my family members and seeking out sudden loss groups in my area. A good place to start is reaching out to local mental health providers and requesting if they have any current groups or referrals.

The internet is an amazing things (sometimes) and you can find lots of specialties in terms of the type of support group that may help you best. Loss by gun violence, caregiver loss, infant or child loss, sibling loss, diagnosis specific loss, and the list continues on.

Some organizations that work with grief and do an incredible job are Roberta's House located in Baltimore, TWLOHA, and The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Roberta's House offers free programs for the public as well as an annual summer camp for grieving youth. The AFSP hosts 'Out of Darkness Walks' which are ways to honor those lost by suicide and raise funding for suicide prevention through accessible mental health care.

Conclusion

Becoming a person again after a traumatic loss is a strange journey. Something heartbreaking is the fact that you may not get back to the pre-loss version of yourself. I encourage peeps to treat themselves gently, take it day by day (or hour by hour), and practice finding the small joys within the heaviness of complex grief.

For me, I accept that life without my best friend is fundamentally never the same. Here is something I heard recently brought me comfort: The way I loved him is irreversible. While I may not have access to my brother in the same way I once did, my history and memories with him are something no one can take from me. I am proud of to have called him my best friend and am devastated to continue on without him. Carrying along his presence and being able to share it with others is a gift.

Tomorrow needs us all. Please seek help if you are in need.